How Rocafella’s Breakup can help us process grief.

In 1994, three young friends and business partners would start an iconic company out of necessity; no one wanted to sign their primary artist, Jay-Z. 

10 years, 30 million records, and 100 million in profits later, those same three friends were no more. For Dame and Biggs, they lost the company and jobs that changed their lives. For Jay, he lost two of his closest friends and partners

For anyone that’s ever lost someone, or something, I deeply empathize with how hard it can be to move on. Luckily, this iconic hip-hop breakup can help us do just that. 

“I heard motherf****** sayin' they made Hov

Made Hov say, "Okay, so? Make another Hov!” - Jay-Z, Lost One (2006)

Aside from being one of my Dad and I’s favorite Jay-Z bars, the line encapsulated the way I thought about relationships for a long time. It was simple. Jay-Z, Dame, and Biggs were business partners. Their relationship ended, and Jay-Z won. 

Because as I saw it, Jay-Z’s success shows how much he didn’t need them. Or, how much they needed Jay-Z. And to a past self, needing someone is what made relationships work. 

Psychologists call this urge to feel needed “winning a breakup”. I call it the Jackson 5 Theory, but more on that later. Craig E Morris of Binghamton University did a study called “The Breakup Project” with thousands of participants, and as it turns out, there’s neurological Jimmy Neutron stuff that tells us why it’s so hard to move on. 

Essentially, our self-esteem is in crisis mode when a relationship ends.  As human beings, we’re wired to provide value, and our relationships are how we do that. In a good relationship, we feel more confident because the way we provide value is being validated.  Naturally, when a relationship goes wrong, we start to question the value we bring. 

In the Harvard Business Review, Tony Schwartz talks about how when we perceive ourselves as being devalued, we enter into a “survival mode”. We’re tense, anxious, and a little dumber than we want to be. The problem is that we can stay here unless we find a way to rebuild that self-esteem.

The best way to affirm our belief that we provide value, according to Schwartz, is compassion. Seeking to provide value to others, of course. But, there’s a kicker here. Not everyone is capable of appreciating the way we provide value, and neither are we capable of appreciating the way everyone else provides value. What helps here is to value people who value the way you provide value, and spend valuable time with them. How’s that for a tongue-twister?

“I've done made more millionaires than the lotto did

Dame made millions, Biggs made millions” - Jay-Z, Pound Cake (2014)

Hov did make millionaires of Dame and Biggs, but they also made him a billionaire. 

The value we provide to people does not end after a relationship ends. I only learned this, after I lost someone permanently. I felt guilty because I did not want to act as if they were insignificant to me. If you’ve felt guilty about moving on and being happy, I feel you, and I hope the Jackson 5 Theory helps.  

Imagine that Michael Jackson never made any music after the end of the Jackson 5. Imagine that M.J. didn’t want people feeling he didn’t need Tito, Jermaine, Randy, and don’t worry I’m not going to name them all. Aside from robbing us of platinum hits and controversial documentaries, it does nothing to help his brothers. It doesn’t make them more famous, or the time they made music together more special. It does the opposite.  

In fact, Michael Jackson’s success after leaving the Jackson 5 only cements how incredible the Jackson 5 was. It shines more light on his family, it doesn’t strip it away.

If you’re feeling guilty about moving forward, I hope this helps you. The value someone brought into your life is still there. The love they gave you transformed you. It gave you a new sense of confidence. Of safety. You likely discovered parts of yourself you never thought you would. 

And the same is true of your love for someone else. As they continue to shine and grow, and experience joy. Your time together only helps them.

Rocafella gave Jay-Z the launching pad he needed. Without Dame and Bigg, we wouldn’t have the legendary art he was able to make. And Hov acknowledged this in his Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction Speech. 

Till next time,

M